Relationships can be very fulfilling and having the support of a loved one can help you navigate the challenges of military life. However, in any relationship there may be times when you and your partner will disagree. Whether it’s arguments about household chores or personal finances, it’s common to get angry sometimes. Nonetheless, when emotions are running high, reactions driven by anger can damage your relationships and your health.
The Side Effects of Anger
Anger is a natural response to a perceived or real threat. It can range from mild irritability to intense rage. Everyday situations, like getting stuck in traffic or your partner forgetting to pay a bill, can trigger the emotion. Anger might be helpful in some instances such as combat and lead to problem solving. However, frequent bouts of acting angry can start to take a toll on your self-esteem and psychological well-being. Research shows bottling up anger or expressing it unchecked towards others contributes to a multitude of health issues, such as high blood pressure, digestion problems, and higher risk of a heart attack or stroke.
When Anger Becomes a Problem in Your Relationship
Anger may be impacting your relationship if you find yourself:
- Angry frequently or with increasing intensity
- Easily frustrated or feeling like you’re overreacting to minor unexpected events
- Unable to control your anger and getting physically violent toward yourself, others, or objects
- Aggressively responding verbally, such as yelling or cursing at others or yourself
You can strengthen your relationship and your emotional well-being by practicing healthy ways of expressing your angry feelings. When verbal disagreements arise, try the communication tips below to help keep anger in check and find a resolution to the disagreement.
Communication Tips to Manage Angry Responses
Cool Off
If you find yourself worked up and in the middle of an argument with your partner, make an advance agreement that you will step away from the situation until you can both discuss things rationally. Giving yourself ten minutes to take a walk or even ten breaths to collect yourself can help alleviate the tension and clear your head.
Write It Down
Instead of immediately engaging in an argument with your partner, try jotting down your feelings in a journal. Keeping a journal will help you figure out how and why you get angry and if other feelings, such as embarrassment or sadness, set off your anger. By writing it down, you can also organize your thoughts to have a respectful and calm discussion with your partner when the time is right.
Create a Communication Plan
With your partner, develop a communication plan for your relationship. The plan can include scheduling your discussions for a later time when emotions have settled down, as well as ways to use active listening and set boundaries in advance. Consider agreeing to use "I" statements to describe how you feel about a problem to minimize finger-pointing and blaming when talking it out. For example, "I feel frustrated when we are not equally sharing household tasks like taking out the trash."
Talk to a Professional
While anger can be a common reaction, experiencing it with increasing intensity or frequency can also be a reaction linked to psychological health concerns such as depression or posttraumatic stress disorder. If you need additional support managing your anger, connect with a trained health care professional. They can work with you to identify techniques to manage your anger and may recommend resources such as anger management courses, conflict resolution training, cognitive behavioral therapy or family therapy.
Reaching out for help can keep you mission ready and improve your relationships.
If you or a loved one needs additional support, contact the Psychological Health Resource Center 24/7 to confidentially speak with trained health resource consultants. Call 866-966-1020 or use the Live Chat.
Remember, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support via phone or chat for people in distress, resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. For the Military/Veterans Crisis Line, dial 988 and press 1 or text 838255. You can also chat online.
Are you calling the Military/Veterans Crisis Line from overseas? The country code to reach the United States will be required for each of these numbers, depending on your location.
- Europe, call: 844-702-5495 or DSN 988
- Pacific, call: 844-702-5493 or DSN 988
- Southwest Asia, call: 855-422-7719 or DSN 988
Additional Resources
Sources
- Lench, H. C., Reed, N. T., George, T., Kaiser, K. A., & North, S. G. (2023). Anger has benefits for attaining goals. Journal of personality and social psychology, 10.1037/pspa0000350. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000350
- Adler, A. B., LeardMann, C. A., Villalobos, J., Jacobson, I. G., Forbes, D., & Millennium Cohort Study Team. (2022). Association of problematic anger with long-term adjustment following the military-to-civilian transition. JAMA Network Open, 5(7), e2223236-e2223236. doi: 10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2022.23236
- Smith, D. M., Meruelo, A., Campbell-Sills, L., Sun, X., Kessler, R. C., Ursano, R. J., Jain, S., Stein, M. B., & Army STARRS Team. (2021). Pre-enlistment anger attacks and postenlistment mental disorders and suicidality among US Army soldiers. JAMA Network Open, 4, e2126626-e2126626. doi: 10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2021.26626
- Varker, T., Cowlishaw, S., Baur, J., McFarlane, A. C., Lawrence-Wood, E., Metcalf, O., Van Hoof, M., Sadler, N., O’Donnell, M. L., Hodson, S., Benassi, H. & Forbes, D. (2022). Problem anger in veterans and military personnel: Prevalence, predictors, and associated harms of suicide and violence. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 151, 57-64. doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychires.2022.04.004
- Shea, M. T., Stout, R. L., Reddy, M. K., Sevin, E., Presseau, C., Lambert, J., & Cameron, A. (2022). Treatment of anger problems in previously deployed post‐911 veterans: A randomized controlled trial. Depression and Anxiety, 39, 274-285. doi: 10.1002/da.23230
- Adler AB, Leard, Mann CA, Roenfeldt KA, Jacobson IG, & Forbes D. (2020). Magnitude of problematic anger and its predictors in the Millennium Cohort. BMC Public Health, 20(1), 1168. https://doi-org.mrdc.idm.oclc.org/10.1186/s12889-020-09206-
- Dillon, K. H., Hertzberg, J. A., Mosher, T. M., Levi, R. D., Elbogen, E. B., Calhoun, P. S., Morland, L. A., & Beckham, J. C. (2023). Development and refinement of the mobile anger reduction intervention for veterans with posttraumatic stress disorder. Psychological trauma: theory, research, practice, and policy, 10.1037/tra0001491. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0001491
Updated JANUARY 2025